In today's episode we show you how to properly milk a grape.
"Shepherds with their flocks shall come against her; they shall pitch their tents around her; they shall pasture, each in his place."
Where it all began. Just 2 guys, terrible sound quality, and all the creationist nonsense you could ask for.
Last we left the family of Jacob they were living it up in Egypt. Unfortunately for them (and Pharaoh) God has plans of his own. This Chapter has everything from the 10 plagues to the 10 Commandments and more!
Wanna know which people to put to death? This is your lucky day.
In this chapter we talk giants, abortion in the bible, talking donkeys, and..... I don't know sacrificial law? Well there's still giants so we got that going for us.
The chapter in which we learn the best way to deal with angsty teens is to murder the fuck out of them.
Joshua includes a story in which the jewish people convince an entire city to circumcise themselves. With the cities men out of commission while healing, the jews take the opportunity to slaughter the town. If you're still reading this and didn't immediatly click play then you're on the wrong website.
This chapter originates the famous God being impotent towards iron verse. More importantly though we learn through Samson that every problem can be solved by murdering countless people with a donkey's jaw bone.
This chapter is so bad we only gave it 1 episode. It's about people talking in grain fields. ARE YOU SOLD YET?
Ever see someone else's food at a restaurant and decide you want it, but once you get it you decide you'd rather take it to a priest to raise far away from you? This chapter is like that but a baby instead of food.
This is the Chapter to read if you want some action. Pretty much the whole thing is David slaughtering his way across the Middle East. Plus some bonus Hasselhoff action.
King Solomon is made king here, and you can trust him. His go to answer in custody disputes involves infanticide.
Elisha appears to stun us with miracles, such as making a thing float and....making soup taste better I guess.
David continues conquering various cities, but there's even better news. LONG LISTS OF GENEOLOGY
Women finally get their own Biblical hero. She uses her body to save her people. Are you even shocked at this point?
God Ruins a man's life and kills innocent people over a bet with the Devil. Yep.
Psalms & Proverbs
Aren't we all sick of this nonsense at this point? Well, what if I told you now you can get all that nonsense in poetic form? Still no? Yea, I get it.
I think an emo kid's diary somehow made it's way into the Bible, and the weird thing is it may be an improvement.
Song of Solomon a.k.a. Song of Songs
Things are about to get steamy up in here. Make sure everyone has the proper lube and wet wipes ready.
This is the chapter some Christians use to say Jesus' virgin birth was prophesied. Let's look a little deeper into that ( Hint: it wasn't).
We see why jilted ex-lovers make the worst omnipotent beings.